I’m not here to judge anyone, I mean it’s 2018 and I’m pretty sex positive. But it’s time to address the elephant in the room, Pete Carroll has a serious fetish brewing in Seattle.

This fetish is causing an unfair situation when it comes to interviewing for Seattle’s defensive coordinator position. I’m just going to say it, Petey boy is obsessed with bald men with goatees. The NFL needs to step in and institute some type of “Rooney Rule” situation where the Seahawks have to interview at least one man who doesn’t suffer from male pattern baldness.

Carroll’s history is quite sickening when you review it, he popped his hairless cherry with Gus Bradley. After Bradley left to take the HC position in Jacksonville Pete was having serious separation anxiety. So he hired Dan Quinn who is basically Bradley’s doppelgänger.

After a few seasons Quinn left to become the head coach in Atlanta. What would Pete do? He had now loved and lost two bald, goateed men. So would he learn from the past and change his ways? No. Not Pete. He hired yet another bald man with a goatee in Kris Richardson.

When it was time for Seattle to move on from Richardson they hired goatee free but bald Ken Norton Jr. as their defensive coordinator. Showing they weren’t opposed to finally changing things up. Men with full heads of hair wept for their lack of opportunity.

Carroll truly needs to have an intervention, but we know the NFL doesn’t care about helping players and coaches with their problems. So this sick cycle will continue. Assuming Norton Jr. won’t stick around more than a year or two I’ve put together a short list of potential fits after he leaves.

1) Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars: Rick is known for getting great deals, so he would fit right in with the Seahawks history of finding diamonds in the rough.

2) Vic Mackey from The Shield: Officer Mackey is a no non-sense guy who isn’t afraid to get dirty, he could give the defense an edge again.

3) The Thing from The Fantastic 4: The Thing is literally a giant immovable rock, he’d work wonders with the front seven. Low man wins, or stone man wins. Whatever.

4) Wilson Fisk from Daredevil: Fisk is an evil and rich billionaire, so he’d be able to do some back channel deals to bring the shittiest people in. Can you say Vontaze Burfict to Seattle?

5) Eleven from Stranger Things: Eleven is a bald telekinetic, she’s probably the only person who could mind fuck Bill Belichick.

6) Stone Cold Steve Austin: This one is pretty cut and dry, he’s a carbon copy of Carroll’s previous coordinators. Plus can you imagine how fucking fired up the defense would be pre-game with one of his signature beer can smash and chugs?

7) Walter White from Breaking Bad: Football is a game of numbers, and there’s an immense amount of math involved in chemistry. Who’s better at chemistry than our favorite meth cook? He’d have some tricky defensive coverages cooked up in no time.

8) Darth Maul from Star Wars: Dude literally wore permanent war paint. That’s a guy I’ll go to battle for. And he loved killing. So he’s definitely going to crank the intensity up, if not he can just use the force and shit.